It was three a.m. My head was heavy and my eyes burned. I was exhausted… after all, you were born just thirteen hours earlier.
But, despite four long days of labor, I couldn’t sleep. In the details of that crinkled forehead, in the softness of those perfect lips, I saw the brilliance of God’s creation.
When I was younger, while my friends were dreaming up weddings and making lists of baby names, I was that girl mesmerized by the details of a simple tree. I never had dreams of being a mom. I never even had dreams of being a wife. I wanted to move; I wanted to travel; I wanted to embrace the world through the intricacies of nature. And, as time went on, God gifted me with some incredible adventures. I got to see places I never dreamed I would get the chance to.
But that moment in the hospital surprised me. Not because I didn’t realize how much of a gift you were, but because all of those moments of beauty – those moments I truly encountered God’s majesty in the world – didn’t even come close to you.
Your tiny hands.
Your mesmerizing features.
Your precious soul.
That night, a single tear formed as the light from the hallway highlighted your beautiful face. And, in the quiet of the hospital room, an exclamation point formed in the depths of my heart. One that proclaimed God’s promise. One that I heard clearly many years earlier. A promise that He would gift my life with beauty and goodness and adventure.
I don’t deserve to have had the divine joy of carrying you, of helping you to grow, to form you. But, yet, God in His infinite mystery chose me to be your mom.
I’m not going to lie, finding that peace was hard. I encountered great anxiety in the months leading up to your arrival. I realized in the most ground-shaking way that our life was never going to be the same. It was never again going to be as “simple” or as “easy.” But in that moment, you wouldn’t have been able to drag me away from you. There is no way I would have chosen to be anywhere else in the world – even the most beautiful rainforest or breathtaking sunrise – nothing would have been able to compare to you.
In the stillness of that night when you were so new, I realized it didn’t matter where my feet would trod, it didn’t matter the number of stamps in my passport, because you my dear, are my greatest adventure.