I pulled into the closest parking spot available to the front door. It was a blistering 115 degrees and as I turned off the car I immediately regretted opting for the peach pants instead of something a little more forgiving of the desert heat.
Did he miss the exit? My mind wandered to my husband. He was notorious for allowing his “man compass” to get him a little bit lost.
I could go in alone… I mused. I mean, I was an adult. And that’s what adults do: confident adult things… But gosh, I was nervous. Of all the mom milestones, I did not see this one coming. The you’ll-lose-sleep-at-night anxiety of putting your baby into childcare. I laugh a little bit as these thoughts ruminate in my mind.
I sure pulled a fast one over myself – said I’ll do one thing, but really experienced another.
“Oh, I won’t have a hard time putting Cecilia into childcare.” I said “It will be good for her.” I confidently implored.
From my peripheral view, I was torn out of this bewildering daydream. There was my husband pulling in on cue – fashionably late. This was our second daycare tour in a week and I was already dreading it. Well, dreading it with a side of hopefulness. Like sifting through sand, in my mind I was panning for gold.
Because really, no place and no person is ever going to be good enough for my girl. Right?
Ugh. So cliché, so freaking true.
Fast forward to getting back into that awfully hot car. I wish I could tell you that I was ready to cash in that gold, but I can still feel the disappointment of those grungy walls and strange faces.
As we weigh our options and get closer to making a decision, I know we’ll figure something out. I realized the other day (even amidst the precariousness of my worry) that although we are called as parents to care for our sweet daughter, God is the real hero in this story. Because, when I take a step back and really look at it objectively, He is the only one that can truly provide for her. And as much as I want to be the protagonist – the mom-in-shining-armor – it is our Lord who first gifts us all of these good and beautiful gifts. Including the gift of caring for Cecilia while He is still calling both of us to our work.
So, while we don’t have all of the details of childcare figured out yet, I will do my best to hand over all of my trepidatious anxieties to the only One who knows how to calm them.
I mean, He created this baby, who am I to say He doesn’t have the most perfect plan for her.
I’ve realized, that at every stage of life, there is something we hold dearly to: a decision, a person, an idea… What is it in your life that you so badly want control of, but need to hand over to the Lord today?